Two gratitudes

I have to thank you
my once true lover
for giving me back
my life
as much as it hurt
at that time

I have to thank you
my now true lover
for accepting
my heart
and healing it
by and by

without you two
my past and my presence
I wouldn’t be the same
and I look forward
to my future
with you
my always true love

****
Another one from the Poem a Day Challenge in April 2009…

… and gaining a new one!

Much has changed over the last weeks. One of the biggest changes is our wedding last weekend, which was the most perfect day. See for yourself how happy we are!

I also assumed the name of my husband “Stüber”, but will keep my old name for writing as the new one is a bit of a challenge for non-Germans.
The other even more challenging but wonderful thing going on is my pregnancy. After the Hyperemesis I am now suffering from “Gestational diabetes”, which means I have to check my blood sugar 7 times (!!!) a day and take insulin in the middle of the night and in the morning. I have never seen so many docs and taken so much medicine before! But the little one is healthy and happy! I just had a 3D ultrasound – doesn’t he look all relaxed?

Unfortunately all this affected my ability to write a lot - well for the moment. I am sure that I will be able to use all these new experiences in my writing and gain new depth in it…

The Problem with Thinking

if my thoughts went as straight
as the road before me
I would reach my destination
before the morning

if my feelings were as calm
as the lake before me
my mind would be soothed
tonight

if my dreams were as high
as the mountains before me
my heart would be free
now

Routine of a Crime Scene Cleaner

The blood stains between the tiles
Are always hard to get rid of
Even with the special abrasive in my arsenal
The body fat is easier to wipe away
I just use a cotton cloth
And a fat solvent
Brain tissue on the wall
Always fascinates me
Are there any thoughts left in the blobs?

The stench was overwhelming
In the beginning
But I got used to it over the years
I never see the victims
Just their homes and what is left of their bodies
The only thing that stirs my routine up
Is the phone ringing
And the voice of the defunct
Announcing he can’t answer the call right now

*****

Another poem from the Poem a Day-Challenge in April - the writing prompt was “routine”. I had actually watched a programm about a crime scene cleaner and was fascinated in a very strange way…

First of all: what is that? That was my reaction when I was told I was suffering a mild form of Hyperemesis gravidarum when I went to hospital for 5 days in the third month of my pregnancy (now being in the 5th). In the first three months of a pregnancy many women face morning sickness (which actually can come over you all day or in the night). But if the vomitting is more often during the day and you can’t even drink water without keeping it in then it is more serious. This is what happened to me and why I decided to go to hospital. There I was “fed” with medicine and liquid intravenously so I was able to regain my strength at least a little bit. But the vomitting and sickness came back a few weeks afterwards! So after a short period of being shocked I started to get informed about this illness and got myself (and the baby) the treatment I needed. Still I am not really well and still I am loosing weight - all in all nearly 12 kilo since the beginning of the pregnancy! But now that I know what is going on I feel mentally better and hopefully I can help others to survive this nasty experience.

1) Most important: Get informed!
The more you read and understand about Hyperemesis gravidarum the better for you and the better you know what treatment you might need. Sometimes doctors simply don’t see it as such a big problem - hey, they haven’t had the experience of being so weak that you can’t get up from the bathroom floor after vomiting!! Try to find an online forum or even a local group!!
A very good website is: http://www.hyperemesis.org/ to start with research.

2) Don’t let anybody tell you it’s a mental thing!
There are scientist (strangely enough more often men then women) who makes their case that Hyperemesis gravidarum is a mental thing and the women concerned are unhappy with their pregnancy/life/family/partnership/husband and whatever else you can think of. In my case I can clearly state: I am neither of all above! This is a sickness related to the pregnancy and whatever cause it might have (bacteria, inhertiance etc) IT IS NOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM!!

3) Reduce stress and fear
Having said it is not a psychological problem doesn’t mean it can’t evoke exactly those. During the weeks when I didn’t know what is going on with me I was scared, sad and didn’t know how to survive the next day and get on with life and the pregnancy - not very typical for me!! In the really worst case Hyperemesis gravidarum can lead to depression and even abortion or suicide. So if you follow 1) and 2) the next step you can take is: reduce your stress and fear! Normally the fetus doesn’t suffer as much as we women do (although no long term studies have been conducted) so the chances are really good for your unborn child. Try to get as much rest as you can! I even take a nap for about 15 minutes down on the office floor after lunch. My boss is aware of me feeling much better after that. And if you can’t do all the things you wanted to do before birth - don’t worry. You and the child are now the most important, everything else has to wait.

4) Seek help
Try getting help not only from doctors, but also midwives. Tell your friends what is going on with you and be patient with those who keep telling you this sickness should be over soon or those who think a hot cup of fresh ginger tea would help. And never forget to thank your partner/hubbie… for his help and support! My fiancé even cooks for me to make sure I eat healthy enough, I will be thankful for the rest of my life for everything he does for me during these difficult times. And he knows that!

5) Eating
For me eating is still a huge problem. Even though I take a pill every morning against the sickness I might end up vomiting in the evening. My lactose intolerance has become much worse so that even the faintest traces of milk or lactose in the food can cause another seizure. I also learned the hard way that tomatoes and pumpkin is nothing I should eat now - both I normally really love … Gee, I hate to think of my Halloween party! My point is: listen to your body, it does tell you what you can and what you shouldn’t eat. Right now I scuff marzipan - almonds have a lot of Calcium!

6) Never forget: this will be over!
It took me a couple of weeks to come to grips with the fact that the Hyperemesis gravidarum might stay till the birth of my child - in the worst case. It might end earlier; it might end in the labor room. Another 5 months seem like an awful long time, but: it will be over! And after that you will be rewarded with the greatest wonder on earth: your newborn child!

So: don’t give up! You are not alone with this!!

And after all this I will go back to writing…

This is one of my poems from the Poem a Day Challenge 2009, the writing prompt was “landmark”:

Siebengebirge

The last hills along the Rhine
before the land flattens down
one were the hero fought the dragon
one were the government quarter their guests
on the highest one you find the best onion tart
and the small one in the north
looks like a bread cut open

Many narrow paths
lead through the forest
hornet and bee
boar and deer
just behind my house
just up the street

The last hills along the Rhine
before the land flattens down
many poets have described them
many painters have portrayed them
but to my heart the sight of those hills
mean only one thing

home

© Julia Nickel

View of the Siebengebirge © 2007, Julia Nickel

The naming sounds as if there were seven hills, but actually it comes from “siefen”, which means raining a lot - and I can tell you, yes, it does!

Escape from Bristol, RI

Two large suitcases,
one black, one pink,
a small one in green
and a rucksack in red
I hauled along
from Bristol
over Boston
to Newark
and finally: Cologne

people thought
I had done Christmas shopping
I was stopped by the customs
but was let through hastily
when I burst into tears
because everything I carried along
in those bags
were the remains
of my life
while I dragged myself
through

© Julia Nickel

Mt. Hope Bridge © 2007, Julia Nickel

How I wished I could go to London right now! From Friday on a medieval alphabet book containing 46 leaves of parchment will be on display at the British Library. This book is a fantastic display of the workshop’s skill and must have been either something to show customers or a pattern manual for the craftsman. Read more and especially see 10 pictures of this amazing piece of art here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/jul/28/medieval-alphabet-book-britain

every day
a tad less
closeness
every day
a tad more
distance

only this way
I can
protect myself
only this way
I stay intact

© Julia Nickel

taking up a general
view
does the world move
or do I move?

I am dizzy
hold on!
stand still!!

doesn’t work
so I keep
spinning
with the world

© Julia Nickel